Less then perfect

My husband and I have been struggling in the relationship department during the last year.The stress of everything has really gotten to us. We love each other so much but sometimes we just go to bed in tears.The children have been such a giant blessing for us but it's been really stressful at times. Disowning my sister has been one of the hardest thing i've ever did in my life. I can't and won't have her around our children.( and no mistaken they are OUR children now)




I know it was the right thing to do. Adopting the children was the right thing to do and neither one of us will ever regret it but it was a long road leading up to adopting them.I worry about my sister sometimes it keeps me up at night with worry and tears. Is she out there alone? Can she kick the drug problem? Does she miss her birth children? Then we get a call that she has been beaten up by yet another boy friend and there is nothing we can do. I cant and won't bring her here. We offer for a taxi to take her to a battered Shelter but she refuses.Offer to find a way to get her into Drug rehab and she refuses. I know I can no longer help her but it hurts.



She gets upset when I tell her to no longer call us and she gets mad because she can not speak to her birth children but they are OUR children and if they spoke to her it would harm them and push back everything we have worked so hard at this last year and half. They have told the counselor and told us they don't want to speak to her as she scares them and has hurt them so badly in everyway she could. She refused a goodbye visit with them before her rights was taken away , she was told them by the judge and the workers she wouldnt get another chance and she has not and won't. I won't risk OUR children for her. She has threatened me to other people saying she is going to get me but I know it's the meth talking. I just miss who she was when she was younger so very badly. I miss it with every inch of my body. I lost my sister and it hurts.





My husband is my personal hero. He did not have to marry me and provide me with a better chance at life. What would I of been with out him? Just another Foster child that aged out of the system? another failure? Would I of been like my biological sister? He saved me and he saved my sisters birth children when we adopted them. He has helped me break the cycle of child abuse in my biological family that was decades long. How will I ever thank him? He says he is not a hero that he didnt do this alone but with out him I couldnt of did this. He makes me strong and keeps me going and shows me the good in people.



I have spent my whole life trying to help people and save people and sometimes I forget to slow down and spend a little time on myself. I think both me and my husband has forgotten this in the last year and half , We have been so focused on the six children that we forget ourself sometimes.



I try to blog against child abuse but it seems no one cares so why bother. I try to help people only to be stepped on. I do have a Dr. I talk to about these things but it just hurts sometimes. She says we went threw something traumatic and it will take time to heal. Some day and some weeks heck some months are great and then some days and some nights after the children go to bed my husband and I just sit and talk and I just worry I couldn't save my sister and for that I feel like a failure. I don't even know why I am posting this. Please don't think it is to get pitty as we dont need or want pitty or for anyone to feel sorry for us. We are blessed beyond blessings. I guess I am posting to say hey see I failed my sister I am not perfect or a miracle worker. I am human and far from perfect